A Small Matter of Insurance
by Gariand
Summary: ONESHOT. At first for Kenny, it was a way to feed his family, then it just spiralled into something more. Can Stan and Kyle stop him before it's too late?


**A Small Matter of Insurance**

If there was one good thing Kenny did for his family, it was dying.

Oh, don't get me wrong. Kenny's family adored him, despite how dysfunctional they may have appeared to the outside world, no matter how alcoholic or abusive they were made out to be in the slanderous rumours tossed about in South Park, the fact of the matter was that neither Stuart nor Carol would ever lay a hand on their son. After all, he was the one who put food on the table most of the time, something that Mr and Mrs McKormick valued in their son.

It had started when Kenny was seconds old; the slimy, new-born Kenny had shot through the doctor's fumbling hands and landed heavily on the floor, killing him. Incidentally, as this occurred, both the young Stan and Kyle in their own respective homes suddenly shouted "Ohm gaw kill Kenny!" and "Oo bastuwd!", leaving their own parents in a state of shock close to the McKormicks; Kyle's parents especially, wondering how their barely weeks old son had learned and been able to say "bastard!".

The McKormick's had sued the hospital, and the doctor concerned was sacked. Even though they were upset about the death of their newborn son, they comforted themselves in the notion that it was quick and painless for him and that they had received one sweet payout from it. They had gone to the hospital with the worries of one more mouth to feed, they had returned safe in the knowledge that the insurance money would keep both them and their little Kevin eating for a long time.

If the shock of seeing their own son die in front of them wasn't enough, what they viewed as they came home was beyond belief. Lying in a small basket on the porch, was a crying, screaming baby. And it was a dead ringer for the baby they had seen catapulted headfirst onto the tiles at the hospital.

They thought not too much about it, taking in the baby and gladly being able to keep it fed through the large amount of cash they had received. And in response to the Marshes claims that their little Stanley's first understandable word had been "Kenny" (the Broflovskis had kept their mouths shut at this point), they felt obliged to name the new arrival Kenny.

Of course, if you know anything about cash, it is that it will eventually run out. And run out it did. Luckily for the McKormicks, the now two year old Kenny thought it would be great fun to try and rewire the toaster. Another death had occurred, everyone was sad, the McKormicks received another insurance payment.

They didn't exactly know how to react when Kenny toddled back into the house a mere day later. All they knew now was that this wasn't the simple fluke they had pinned this on the first time it happened. Regarding it as a blessing, and with the substantial amount of money they had received, Carol and Stuart decided to fork out on a definite life insurance policy for Kenny.

The years had passed by in a similar fashion; Kenny would have another accident, the insurance company would pay out when they saw the death certificate, and each time they would attempt to remove Kenny from their policy.

"_Mr and Mrs McKormick, as much as I cannot doubt the credibility of this death certificate, the fact of the matter is…" he pointed at the orange-clad boy who was sitting next to them, who had revived relatively early this time._

_To Kenny, this was his idea of comedy. The fatcats at Peace of Mind had NO idea what they'd been getting into when they signed Kenny McKormick onto their policy._

_Gerald Broflovski cleared his throat; as a favour to his old friend Stuart (and for a small cut of the payout) he always attended these meetings; he was after all, a much better speaker about these sorts of things. He couldn't imagine what would happen if he let Stuart to his own devices, most likely a drunken brawl, and then where would the McKormicks have been?_

"_But Mr Starker, your policy clearly states that you can only refuse payout if the death is dubious. And as witnesses will tell you, my own son included in that list, is that Kenny McKormick suffered cardiac arrest at the scene, after having half his body crushed by a falling meteor, and the other half being promptly sat on by South Park's largest cow."_

_Tratt Starker waved his hand vaguely. "As true as that may be, Mr Broflovski, Kenny McKormick has died and claimed…" he checked his notes "seventy seven times from our services, and we cannot keep financing these. If he is dead, he is dead, and we shouldn't have to pay more than once."_

_Kenny giggled, his laughs muffled by the hood pulled up against his face. Starker had tried to pull this one before, and the skills of Gerald Broflovski had yielded results, even without the Chewbacca Defense System._

"_So Mr Starker, we can see that Kenny is no longer dead. However there is no dispute that he did, in fact, die. Upon presentation of a legitimate death certificate, you must present Mr and Mrs McKormick with the promised payout. And because we can see Kenny is no longer dead, he returns to your policy. As it does in fact say…" His eyes narrowed as he read the original print. "'Full-life plan'. As the boy in question is now sitting here in front of us, although he DID die, it is evident he has not lived out his 'full-life'". He gave a wide smile before driving the point home. All those years of law school were worth it. " So therefore, I'm afraid Mr Starker, you cannot remove him from that agreement. He is on your insurance plan until he can come back no more."_

_Starker stood up quickly, his lips curled into a snarl. "This is preposterous! You can't expect me to keep financing our own personal Jesus right in front of us!"_

"_Are you saying you wouldn't put Jesus himself on your policy?"_

_The businessman stuttered. As a matter of fact Jesus WAS insured with them. But there had only been that one time with Iraq that had to be sorted out. He grasped his hair in his hands, cursing himself for his outburst. If he removed Kenny from the policy, he would have to remove Jesus, and he was loathe to get on the Son of God's bad side. If he didn't they could sue. He knew for sure that that Broflovski bastard wouldn't let this drop._

"_Fine…" he weakly uttered as he collapsed into his desk chair, wondering if there was some kind of time machine to take him back to the fateful day that Kenny had been signed up to Peace of Mind. As childish as it was, Starker would have done anything to undo the damage he had caused when he signed that goddamn form._

And that had been that. Whenever Kenny died, his family could eat. It had been that way for as long as Kenny could remember. It wasn't as if the McKormicks rejoiced at the thought of their son dying again, it was just simple fact that when he died, they got money. It was always just accidental, just another part of life.

Of course, there were the odd non-accidental times…

"_Oh no..."_

_Kenny looked over his shoulder where his mother was shaking her head at the empty cupboard._

"_What a tahm ta run outta food lahk this. Raht when little Kevin's sick…"_

_Kenny couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of guilt at this. It was true; he hadn't died for a few months, not since he had returned from the muscular dystrophy incident. But he didn't like dying, and was currently enjoying the ability to remain alive for longer than a week. But now he assumed that it was merely a sacrifice he had to endure to keep the rest of his family alive._

"_Mph?"_

"_Yes, son?"_

_Kenny sighed; he had never deliberately killed himself before, but as the famous saying went; "desperate times called for desperate measures". He was sure that this would just be a one off, just something to make sure his family could eat._

"_Mph phhh mphhhhh mph phmmmm."_

"_Oh, Kenny. We couldn't pahsibly…"_

"_Mph phmmm mpphh phh."_

_The concern was evident in Mrs McKormick's eyes; the last time Kenny died she and Stuart were both convinced that he would stay that way. What if something similar were to happen this time? She couldn't let Kenny go through something crazy like this._

"_Kenny, you don't have ta…"_

"_Mpphh mppppph phmmm."_

"_Dammit, son! Don'tcha unnerstand! I don't want ya to go through with this!" And even through her angry words, her eyes drifted to the empty cupboard, and an annoying little voice in her head told her to concede._

"_Mppph mpph mph phmmm." There was a pleading look in his eyes now, and a combination of the look and the nagging voice made Carol say her next few words._

"_Well, all raht then… just…" She hesitated, "please come home, Kenny. We missed ya an awful lot the last tahm."_

_The hooded boy nodded and walked up to the door, giving his mother one last reassuring glance. "Mph mphphmmm."_

The insurance (and Kenny) had come back less than a week later, although the former rather grudgingly; Tratt Starker had been convinced the last time that it would be… well… the last time.

Far from it.

"_Hey Kenny!"_

"_Mph mphhh."_

_Stan and Kyle looked at each other, surprised by the depressed tone in Kenny's voice._

"_Dude, are you okay?"_

_Kenny sighed and lay down in the middle of the road. "Mph phmmm mphh mphh."_

_Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Dude, not again."_

"_Dammit, Ken! They can't keep expecting you to die for money!" growled Kyle. "It's just… wrong. I know you die all the time but if it's an accident, then hey, Shit Happens. But this? This is just sick and twisted!"_

"_It's pretty fucked up," interjected Stan._

"_Yeah! That too! Dude, you're nine years old! You can't keep dying every second just to feed your family! You should be out playing football or something!"_

"_Mphhhh phmmm phmmmmm?"_

"_I do not. Have. Sand. In. My. Vagina."_

_It was at that second that the boys heard the honk of a speeding truck. Stan and Kyle rolled their eyes at their friend lying resolutely in the path of said truck, but moved aside._

_It was as they wiped of the blood that had splattered in their faces that they uttered the words that they had always said._

"_Oh my god, they killed Kenny," muttered Stan, in a bored voice._

"_You bastards."_

And it didn't end there. Every time the McKormicks needed money for something, Kenny would find a new way to kill himself, even if they could afford it. And Carol and Stuart stopped caring if Kenny no longer came home at night; they just made arrangements to visit the claims office the next day.

"_Kenny?"_

_Kenny turned around and found himself face to face with possibly the only two people in the world who actually gave a damn about him and his dying obsession anymore._

"_Mpphh mphh."_

_They glanced at each other, as if trying to get conformation from the other that they would go through with this confrontation. "Kenny, we need to talk," said Kyle firmly. "We know what you're doing."_

"_Mph phmmmm!"_

"_No, we will not 'fuck off' as you so eloquently put it," said Stan. "Look, you need to stop killing yourself. Your family has God-knows-how-much money now! You're getting greedy."_

"_Mph phmm phmmm mphh."_

"_Yes, you are."_

"_Kenny, with you dying practically every fucking day, you're bankrupting the insurers. We're all signed up to it as well you know. What's gonna happen if they do go bankrupt? What happens when we die, huh?_

_Stan looked at the ground, as if contemplating his next words carefully._

"_Plus, dude, you're our friend. How're we supposed to hang out with you when you're off dying all the time?"_

It was crazy; those guys had never really given a damn about his deaths and now, when he finally had a choice when and he died, now they cared.

They were right though; to others, it seemed that Kenny was going through a drug addiction. He based his whole life around his deaths, frequently skiving lessons or pre-planned meetings just so he could sneak off and die without having to deal with his best friend's reproachful glares.

"_Dude!"_

_They had caught him, yet again. With one foot out of the fire exit of the school, he fixed his eyes on the two people who had recently been annoying the hell out of him in the past few weeks more than he could recall anyone else._

"_Mpphh mpppph phmmmm?"_

"_Better things to do? Dude, this is your life!" _

_Kenny sighed; they just didn't understand. "Mppph mph mph mphhh."_

"_Dude, we rarely see you anymore," said Stan. "We keep having to bring Butters along on all our adventures, just like when you didn't come back."_

"_And he's still as lame as ever," added Kyle._

_Stan held out his hand to Kenny, who had not moved an inch from his spot in the fire exit. "Come on, English is in five minutes, you don't have to do this…"_

_Stan was ignored, and a resounding "FUCK!" was heard as Kenny sprinted towards the road and was promptly splattered across it a moment later._

"_Oh my god, they killed Kenny," groaned Stan, pinching the bridge of his nose._

"_You bastards," Kyle said with as little enthusiasm as Stan had said his line._

Stan and Kyle couldn't do anything. Nothing they said, no matter how much they begged Kenny to stop killing himself, the McKormick's greed just carried on. No matter how much money they got from the insurance, it was never enough for them. As long as Kenny was alive, then it just meant another chance for them to cash in. The Super Best Friends knew something; that Kenny had to be stopped.

_A knock echoed on the door of __80122 South Park Avenue. Stan and Kyle knew that something had to be done, and if this couldn't stop Kenny, then nothing would._

_A tall robed man answered the door, almost emitting a ethereal glow upon the boys. "Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski; welcome, my children."_

"_Hey Jesus."_

"_Please, do come in," the Son of God said with a smile, "I just made clam chowder."_

"_Thanks, Jesus,"said Stan, walking across the threshold to the smell of simmering chowder. "Look, could you help us? Only our friend Ken…"_

"_Kenny McKormick, yes, I know of him."_

_Right…" Stan halted a second, attempting to get his train of thought back on track; he hated it when Jesus did that. "Well, yeah… Kenny has this addiction to… suicide."_

_Jesus pursed his lips in thought. "Yes, this is a problem. But what can I do about it?"_

"_Well," started Kyle, "We thought, you might be able to talk to God or something."_

_Jesus walked around the room, tapping his chin, before Stan piped up "We just thought, that if God couldn't do anything…"_

"_Alright, Stanley, I will talk to my father. Kenny's self destructive behaviour must be stopped."_

_The Son of God ambled to his telephone and dialled a number in his keypad. "Hey, Dad? Yeah, it's me. Yeah, I know I haven't called in a while.Yes, I'm still on the Preparation H…"_

_Stan and Kyle shared a worried look between them._

"_Look, Dad. Can I ask a favour of you? You know Kenny McKormick of South Park? Oh really, right now? Okay, I'll call back later." He replaced the phone with a slight sigh. _

"_So, what did he say?" said Kyle, after a moments pause._

"_Well, the mormons are fine, they're having lots of fun with egg cartons…"_

"_No, we mean about our friend, Kenny!"_

_Jesus stroked his beard a second, before muttering "He asked if we could call back after Sex and the City was over."_

All Stan and Kyle could do now, was to wait. Wait for God to do his thang, and get Kenny back to his still-constantly-dying-but-only-by-accident self. Luckily for them, it wasn't long before God decided to show his half-hippopotamus, half-snake and half lion-self.

_A white light filled Bonanza Street, as Jesus raised his hands to the heavens, Stan and Kyle on either side of him, looking at each other with half-skeptical expressions._

"_Kenny__'s late," said Kyle irritably as he glanced at his watch._

"_He'll be here," assured Stan. "I promised him Playboy Girls."_

_Sure enough, Kenny was running up the street, looking at his own cheap watch. With a grin hidden beneath his hood, he looked expectantly round as he reached the trio._

"_Mmmmppphh phmmm phmm?"_

"_The Playboy Girls will be here in a minute, Kenny. We just gotta show you something first."_

_Stan and Kyle rolled their eyes as Kenny uttered a muffled 'woohoo'. As if he had only just spotted him, Kenny pointed towards Jesus and the light, a look of confusion knitted across his eyebrows._

"_Mpph phm mphhhh?"_

"_He's just getting the girls, dude," said Stan, not even remotely convincingly, and yet still Kenny just rubbed his gloved hands together in anticipation. "You're such a pervert, you know that, Kenny?" Stan added. Kenny only laughed in reply._

_At once, Jesus brought down his hands quickly, and with a thud that shook the whole street, the monstrosity that was God appeared before them. He gave a nod to his son, before focusing on the reason he was brought here; a thoroughly disappointed looking eight year old boy._

"_Mmmmpphhh phmmm phmm mphhh?"_

"_I'm afraid there will be no titties today, my child," said God, with his low, calming voice. "I have been called here by your two friends here because you insist on dying all the time." He fixed a calculating glare on Kenny, who was shuffling his feet nervously. "Why?Why, my son, do you feel the need to do this?"_

"_Mpph hmmm phmm phm mphh?"_

"_Yes, I understand you come back, and I know that your parents need the money too…" God said quickly, before Kenny could interject. "But the fact is, suicide is a sin. I know you mean well, but this is out of hand. Die only by accident from now on."_

"_Mph… mph…"_

"_No buts, Kenny." God quickly snapped up a fly with his lizard-like tongue. "If you die only by accident from now on, I promise you'll get your own Playboy Mansion in heaven."_

_Kenny's eyes widened and Stan and Kyle breathed a sigh of relief; with that kind of promise, there was no more fear. It's enough to guarantee a promise off Kenny by saying he can have hookers. A Playboy Mansion… Kenny would have even sat through a whole episode of Family Guy for just a minute in there._

"_Mpphh… mppphh phmm."_

"_You are welcome, Kenny. Now go, and don't kill yourself anymore."_

_Overcome with the prospect of his own Playboy Mansion, the ecstatic Kenny ran across the road, whooping with joy… and straight in the path of an oncoming lorry._

"_Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"_

"_You bastar… hey!" Kyle noticed that both God and Jesus were sniggering._

"_What?" said Jesus, stifling his laughter and attempting to look innocent. "A little irony never hurt anybody."_

_He was lost for words momentarily as both boys pointed to what was left of Kenny._

"_Oh… right… sorry."_

* * *

**Meh. I've had this idea for a while, and just wanted to type it up. And I added a couple of pop culture references; Tratt Starker, obviously a cross between Trey Parker and Matt Stone. And "clam chowder", I got that from BASEketball.**

**So yeah, just something funny and (hopefully) canon-characteristic. Critisism appreciated.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Gari.**


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